When we talk about Violence Against Women (VAW), have we already assumed that the perpetrators are men? According to an article from Beijing Social Sciences, the term “violence against women” is defined as any gender-based violence against women in accordance with the Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women issued by the UN. In other words, women-on-women violence should also be included in the category of “VAW”. However, the fact is, there is very little research on violence between women.

Women-on-women violence can take the form of direct physical conflict as well as indirect assaults like gossip, ostracization, and unique cyberbullying in the digital age, with the latter being more prevalent. Compared with men’s tendency to “solve problems with their fists”, bullying among women is often indirect and covert and thus it is often ignored, which to some extent exacerbates the stereotype about women in society. However, we should be aware that this unique plague-like aggression, which is cruel and destructive to both the perpetrator and the victim, is deeply rooted in the presumptions and expectations of women in our society.

The World Health Organization(WHO) divided a woman’s life into five stages: prenatal stage, infancy, girlhood, adolescence, adulthood and post-menopausal years. The above-mentioned bullying is particularly prevalent among girls in their girlhood and adolescence, especially in their close relationships and school culture.

Rachel Simmons’ book Odd Girl Out: The Hidden Culture of Aggression in Girls was written based on the author’s examination of and in-depth conversations with the schoolgirls, their parents, and school administrators, teachers, and counselors of American primary and secondary schools. In her work, Simmons examined the causes of the hidden culture of aggression among girls, as well as the harm that this distorted social culture brings to the girls.

Female intimacy itself is complex. Scholar Carol Gilligan pointed out, that compared with men, women place more value in relationships and emotions, and they react to losses more strongly. The unique quality of close relationships among women also makes covert bullying more possible. Simmons also emphasized that intimacy among women is much higher than that among men. The intimacy of female friendship sometimes rivals or even exceeds that of kinship. However, this characteristic sometimes can become a powerful weapon: as the closest friend, they know how exactly to hurt people around them. In this regard, aggression of this kind is difficult to identify, and the victim’s suffering also intensifies with the level of intimacy.

In 1992, a study revealed unique forms of aggression among girls, offering a window to their unconventional ways of expressing anger. Based on this finding, the psychology research team at the University of Minnesota later classified girls’ aggressive behavior into three categories: relational aggression, indirect aggression, and social aggression. Rachel Simmons referred to these behaviors collectively as “alternative aggression.”

Women are “not allowed” to be openly in conflict. Simmons writes in her book, “It would also reveal what the culture does not entitle them to by defining what ‘nice’ really means: Not aggressive. Not angry. Not ever in conflict.” As a result, girls’ aggression are often forced into nonphysical, indirect and covert forms. For example, in the Chapter 3 The Truth Hurts, when confronted with the questions like “Will you tell someone when you are angry or upset with them?”, the vast majority of girls expressed their fear of head-on confrontation, saying “The truth hurts, so I prefer to lie”.

The gap between intimacy and danger is just a hair’s breadth away. Under the social stereotype and expectation that the ‘perfect girl’ should have the ‘perfect relationship’, when society expects the ‘perfect girl’ or ‘good girl’ , they are deprived of the opportunity to face conflict head on and learn to deal with intimate relationships. When girls decide to ‘punish’ their best friend without showing their hostility, they often hide themselves behind a mask of sweetness and turn to silent attack; on the other hand, when the bullied girls need to face day-to-day cruel torturing, the fear of being alone often makes the bullied willing to maintain an abusive friendship.

In this distorted culture of the ‘perfect girl’, the perpetrators may be unaware of their cruelty, while the bullied are happy with an unhealthy friendship. The special intimacy among girls was meant to be their unique path to complex intimacy; but when the right to express anger is stigmatized and the unexamined nature of relationships becomes an end in itself, the girls are unable to deal with the problems in the friendship through normal emotional interaction and self-expression. This indubitably leads to the difficulties or even tragedies in friendships.

From Simmons’ perspective, there is a cruel perception in our society that bullying among girls is a ’transitional rite of passage’ that they must learn as they grow into adulthood, a process that all girls go through. This perception makes the children involved suffer from unbearable pain, but parents and teachers are not even aware of this. This theory conceals several troubling assumptions: firstly, since a large number of girls have engaged in ‘alternative aggression’, it must be in their nature; secondly, it is necessary for girls to learn how to get along with others in this way in order to better prepare for adult female life; and thirdly, now that bullying among girls is beneficial and gaining ground, then it is the natual attributes of women in social structure that should be tolerated and they should be prepared for it; and finally, the abuse among girls is nothing about abuse at all. This perception and its implicit assumptions allow us to leave girls to struggle in a vulnerable school environment, as if we can relieve them of the despair and pain it causes by simply de-problematizing the phenomenon in our discourse.

Growing up does not necessarily come from fighting through adversity and desperate resistance. A distorted ‘rite of passage’ may only teach girls to exploit the cruelty of human nature. Even when a girl who has been bullied in school is eventually away from the place where she suffered so much, the confusion, discomfort, humiliation and frenzy for revenge that she suffered in the past may still emerge from time to time. That is why Simmons devotes the second half of the book to discussing how parents, teachers, and school administrators can provide the right guidance and help for girls as they grow up, in an attempt to provide them with a true rite of passage.

Simmons advocates for girls to negotiate when they get into conflicts. Since conflict is caused by fear of losing relationships, girls should be taught that making friends is an option, not a mandate. They all have the rights to choose relationships that make them feel comfortable. Moreover, if friendship is a choice, then intimacy and conflict are both natural. Simmons believes that if girls are less fearful of losing relationships and believe that true friendships can withstand conflict, they will stop engaging in covert aggression like “backstabbing”.

Simmons writes at the end of the book, “It is my hope that as they, an any woman who has ever been the odd girl out, collect their thoughts to speak their minds, they will whisper to themselves, ‘What I most regretted were my silence. Of what has I ever been afraid?”

Returning to the issue of violence against women, it is easy to conclude that women have the right to choose relationships that are not limited to friendship among girls, but also intimate relationships where domestic violence occurs. Both friendships and other intimate relationships are valuable, but not at the cost of giving up our basic moral codes. Women need to stop harmful relationships and bravely refuse any manipulation in violent relationships.

Avoice海外华人女性保护项目介绍链接：

• Author | 庞海尘
• Co-authors | 马欣钰、桑宁敬
• Revisors | 符芬菊、吴思哲
• Correct | 秦科
• Layout | 游舸
• Translators｜Wenqin Yu, Yanshan Ye
• Proofreader｜Wiley Luan
• Images source | freepik